Who Should be Allowed to Marry?

Last month, the California Supreme Court ruled that banning marriage between same-sex partners was unconstitutional. The reaction was predictably emotional; supporters exuberantly cheered the decision while opponents chided the “activist liberal judges” for overturning the “will of the people.” In November, voters will voice their opinion on a proposed constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.

It is my fervent prayer that common sense and a respect for the founding principles of our nation prevail, and voters deny the amendment. The judges in California got it right. Until someone can present an argument against gay marriage that is not rooted in religious dogma, the government has no right to deny that right to an entire segment of the citizenry. That argument does not exist. The government, national or state, does not possess the authority to enforce religious teachings. Nor should it. Yet, that is exactly what opponents of gay marriage are asking the government to do. Our founding fathers, who were Christians but also secularists, would be ashamed.

George Washington believed that one’s religion was extremely personal. There are few, if any texts or quotations from our First President about his own beliefs, as he kept them to himself. Thomas Jefferson is credited with the oft-recited clause “Separation of church and state.” His exact words, written in a letter to the Danbury Baptist Association in 1802, were “Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man & his god, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship . . . I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, thus building a wall of separation between church and state.”

It saddens me to see that so many have forgotten the importance our founders placed upon that separation. They came here to escape the oppression of religious tyranny, and it was foremost in their concerns when drafting our Constitution. I believe they, too, would be greatly saddened at the erosion of that wall. It is not just for the protection of the people, but also the protection of religion that Jefferson cared:

“I do not believe it is for the interest of religion to invite the civil magistrate to direct its exercises, its discipline, or its doctrines; nor of the religious societies that the general government should be invested with the power of effecting any uniformity of time or matter among them.”

If we ask our government now to enforce religious doctrine regarding marriage, we open the door to government intrusion on all religious doctrine. Perhaps the government can decide it is in the interest of national unity to enforce a national order of worship, or to deny certain forms of worship that do not adhere to beliefs of a religious majority. Opponents of gay marriage, particularly those whose particular denomination might be considered outside the mainstream of Christianity, should think carefully about whether they wish to open that door.

I can respect that there are those who view gay marriage as a sin, or immoral, if that is what their religious conviction dictates. I only ask that they apply their conviction to their own way of living and not insist that others must do the same. If you believe it wrong, then don’t do it. There are a great many things I believe to be wrong or immoral, but I would not dare ask my government to enforce *my* moral code upon the entire nation. To do so is the antithesis of everything our nation was founded upon. Our founders’ ancestors came here to escape the violence and tyranny that necessarily flows from having a government enforce religious belief. Thomas Jefferson kept the knowledge of that history always in mind, as he helped forge our nation, and he said it best on March 4, 1801 in his First Inaugural Address:

“All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will, to be rightful, must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal laws must protect, and to violate which would be oppression.”

So cute, your heart will explode!

Yeah, yeah - I know. All moms think their kid is The. Cutest. But none of them have my Peanut to show! Today was the dress rehearsal for his recital tomorrow, and I have to say, he and his girlfriend ROCKED THE HOUSE! And the pictures they let me take after - Ooohhhh, melt me like buttah!!!! Don't say I didn't warn you.

How Education is Failing our Kids

We now know more about what happened in the classroom of Alex, the Kindergarten student who was voted out of class (see my post below). Having a better understanding of the thought process the teacher went through, I still support her removal from the classroom, and I think her return should be contingent upon receiving some training in dealing with children with special needs, but I no longer feel as outraged as I did. The incident that happened in Florida is indicative of a much bigger problem within our school system.

Anyone who knows me can tell you there isn't a bigger or louder cheerleader for public schools. I am the public schools. I am a first grade teacher at heart. It is my passion. It was my career before children and I had never intended to take a break from doing what I loved, but I was forced to put my career on hold by the demands of having a child with Down syndrome. This year I returned to teaching part time by working as a sub. As much as I would love to work full time, it's just not an option yet, so working as a substitute is the compromise. When I pull together my experiences as a substitute teacher and combine them with my experiences as a special needs mother, I can see a clear picture of one of the biggest challenges facing our teachers, and one of the principle failings of our system. Five year old Alex wasn't a victim of a mean-hearted teacher. He was a victim of a system that has failed to prepare that teacher to meet his needs.

Let me say, the vast majority of teachers I have had the pleasure of working with, are incredibly talented, hard-working, passionate people. Teachers do the hardest work, and bear the brunt of criticism for failures that are not theirs. This is not a criticism of the teachers in our system. It is a criticism of a system that fails to give them the tools and training they need to meet the needs of children who are not neurotypical. One might counter that with "That's why we have Special Education teachers" and that, to an extent, is true. But the shortage of skilled SpEd teachers practically guarantees that no teacher with a SpEd credential will teach in a mainstream classroom. Teachers who have gone though the extra training to earn Master's degrees in SpEd will almost always end up teaching Special Day Class, rather than a mainstream class with special needs kids fully included. For the children, like my son Gabriel, who are placed in a SDC with a trained teacher, this is exactly what they need. I have no concerns at all about my son's education because he has a highly trained and very experienced teacher. He understands my son's unique learning needs, his unique behavior patterns, his triggers and his motivators, he knows how to individualize my son's education, and how to manage the individualized plans of all his very diverse group of students. My son is in extremely good hands.

So where does that leave the students who have special needs but are not in a classroom with a SpEd teacher? That depends. There are mainstream teachers who have the right personality and teaching style to adapt to a wider array of learning needs, and there are mainstream teachers who, of their own accord, have sought out learning opportunities to better understand children with special needs. But training in addressing special needs, and managing IEPs (Individualized Education Plans - all SpEd students have one) is not mandatory beyond the cursory one semester course of the credentials process. So chances are, if you have a child with Asperger's like Alex or Nick, or a child with ADHD, or any one of a number of special needs, at one point or another you will be faced with a teacher who, though skilled and successful at teaching neurotypical kids, is not a good fit for your child. An unfortunate consequence to that is that the rest of the students also suffer when a mainstream educator is asked to make special accommodations they are not trained to make.

So what can be done? It isn't reasonable to expect that all teachers should go out and get degrees in SpEd, but they should have access to some training. What I would like to see is the creation of a special education liaison/advocate to work with and train teachers as they need it. It would be the job of the liaison to manage the IEPs of kids in mainstream classrooms, and provide training and support for the teachers. Students are typically assigned their classrooms at the end of the previous year. The advocate, at the start of the new year, would meet with the teachers who will be receiving students with IEPs, and provide some "basic" training; what behaviors they are likely to see, what kind of classroom set up will best support that students' needs, what kind of discipline works and what doesn't, what kind of coping mechanisms will help the student stay on task, what kind of teaching style does the student best respond to, and what does not. For Nicholas, his teachers need to know he is easily overstimulated by sights and sounds, so the classroom should be neat and not over-decorated. He should be seated near the front and desks should be facing forward. Nick requires routine and structure, so he needs to be warned in advance of any change in schedule, and subs should be given information to help him adjust to a change in teacher. For children with ADHD, or Sensory Integration Disorder, the needs are different. A liaison would be able to support the teachers and give them the information and tools they need to meet all the different needs. Once the school year is under way, the liaison would be responsible for monitoring the progress, by observing the classrooms, and meeting regularly with the teachers to find out what they need, and meeting with the students and parents to find out what they need, and working with the teacher and the family to make sure the learning environment supports them all.

Perhaps, the next generation of educational reforms will pull back the focus on testing and start putting the focus where it needs to be: supporting the interaction between students and teacher, and providing the tools necessary to make that interaction the best it can be every single day. One can hope.

Tangential to the topic, I hope more parents will start to see the Special Education classes for what they are - a service provided by highly qualified, specially trained professionals who are passionate and hard-working and have our children's best interests at heart. I have always had a difficult time hearing from parents within the Down syndrome community who fight for full mainstreaming of their very special needs child and then scream and shout because of all the difficulties with the teacher - the teacher who does not have the training or background to meet those special needs. The problem isn't with the teachers. It is with the misplaced expectation and the misunderstanding of what SpEd is for.

I've got my flamesuit on and I fully expect to catch hell for that view, but there it is.

Heartbreaking

In an elementary school in Florida last week, the unthinkable happened. A five year old boy was humiliated and demeaned in front of his class . . . by his teacher. The little boy's name is Alex, and Alex is currently being evaluated for Asperger's, an Autism Spectrum Disorder. His teacher decided the best way to deal with Alex's behavior challenges was to make him stand in front of his classmates, then call on each one in turn to tell Alex what they disliked about him, and in the end called a class vote to remove him from class. Fourteen of his classmates voted him out. Two children voted to let him stay. He was then sent to the nurse's office until his mother came to get him.

This story at once deeply saddens me and infuriates me. I am both a teacher and a mother, and I cannot comprehend what thought process led to this woman thinking that this was in any way an acceptable way to deal with children, much less a child who has special needs. How did she not see the damage she was inflicting, not only on Alex, but on the entire class? What lesson did she teach these children about how we treat each other as human beings? What lesson did she teach them about understanding those who are different than we are? Instead of teaching them about patience and compassion, she taught them that it is okay to ridicule and demean. Instead of teaching them acceptance, she taught them to exclude and ostracize. What a terrible legacy to leave her students.

And what about Alex. I cried when I read this because it does hit so close to home. People who know little about Asperger's will often look at a child and see someone who is bothersome or annoying. I know my son wants more than anything just to have friends. He longs to fit in and be accepted, but it is a growing challenge for him to connect to other kids in meaningful ways, though he tries very hard to do just that. Children with Asperger's lack the kind of social cues that come naturally to the rest of us, such as the ability to read facial expression or body language. They don't perceive subtleties in tone. They don't get sarcasm. Children with Aspergers thrive on structure and routine and often have difficulties coping with changes to routine. Alex and his family had only moved to the area this January, a huge change that can be very difficult for children like Alex.

Children with Aspergers often have an intense interest in a very narrow range of subjects, and have uncommon knowledge about their preferred subjects. This can cause difficulties on the playground or in group settings when the child literally cannot switch tracks to engage in another type of play, and cannot understand why others don't want to play the same way s/he does. The child will often talk a lot about the favorite subject, with one-sided conversations being common. They don't know how to give and take in conversation. For Nick, when he gets started talking about pirates he simply cannot turn it off until every last thought is out of his head and verbalized. This can take a long time! In a social situation, this can create barriers to forming friendships.

Children with Asperger's very often also have symptoms of sensory integration disfunction. They have heightened sensitivity and can easily become overstimulated by loud noises, bright lights, or textures. When Nick is overwhelmed by his environment, it affects his ability to focus and follow along. I imagine much of little Alex's behavior problems can be attributed to this.

Reading stories like Alex's makes me anxious for Nick. Thus far, we have been blessed with truly remarkable teachers who see Nick for who he is and know how to support him and guide him. But I fear that will not always be the case. It is going to be challenging enough for him to navigate the often treacherous waters of social interaction with his peers, without having to worry that a teacher might someday also be one of his tormentors.

Little Alex should never have been treated that way, no matter what behavior challenges he presented. Nor should his peers have been taught that it is okay to treat others in this fashion. I can only hope that this teacher is no longer allowed to teach, and that Alex finds the kind of teacher he deserves; one who will nurture and support him, not belittle and demean him because he is different. Isn't that what all children deserve?

If you are interested in signing a petition to have this teacher removed, you can go here, where you will also find a link to the story.

My Special Boy at the Special Games

Not to be confused with the Special Olympics, for which Gabe is too young yet, a local chapter of Kiwanis hosts a Special Games event for local kids with special needs. There is an opening ceremony with parade and lots of events for the kids to "compete." It was a wonderful day, despite the 100 degree temperature. Peanut really had a grand time participating! Due to the extreme heat, the athletes lost steam after the first couple of events, and everyone started to break for refreshments and snacks early. They ended up breaking down the events early, I think for safety's sake. The two events Gabe participated in were the Flag Relay and the Tennis Ball Toss. I am so looking forward to this event in the future! Here are some pictures from the day and my beautiful boy having fun at the games!

MS Walk in Monterey

Last weekend I did the MS Walk in Monterey with a couple of my best girlfriends. It's become a tradition, started by my friend Lisa, that I really look forward to each year. The first year we did it, we got lost on the way to the start line and ended up doing about four extra miles! Life with my girlfriends is always an adventure! We stay overnight the night before and go out to dinner. In the past we've gone to this really good Italian place called Cibo, but Julie has a thing against "good Italian," so this year we did Mexican, and had some kickass margaritas. Hope the girls remind me next year that I should stop at one! Then we go back to the motel and Lisa usually stays up making all of our team T-shirts, all the while regaling us with some hilarious story about her life. Lisa is the best storyteller, no matter what the subject, she'll make you laugh so hard you'll get tears in your eyes. Unfortunately, this year the weather was downright frigid, so we never got to show off her hard work, but I did get a picture when we got home. What is with all this fog on the coast anyway? ;^) It really was extremely cold - colder than I have ever experienced in Monterey, so I was happy to find that the route took us right by Starbucks. We stopped along the way so I could get my venti-nonfat-8-pump-no-water-chai. Yummm. Even in cold weather, Monterey is always beautiful. This year we even got to see the seals (or were they sea lions?) lying around on the beach. I can't wait until next year! Here are some pictures from the walk.

A Wonderful Day

Just spent the day with my cousins and my mom. My cousin Kris treated us all to a girl's day out. We saw Mama Mia (which was fabulous and much funnier and raunchier than I remember from the last time I saw it) and then dinner at Mortons. While we were there, dining on the most superb meal, the waiter gave me the nicest compliment! It was so unexpected, and made me feel so good! You just never know how the words speak can affect someone, but they can and they do. So, thank you to Rudy, our waiter, who made me feel beautiful. And a HUGE thank you to Kris , my cousin and one of my most cherished friends, for taking the time to make a special day for all of us. I love you girl! Don't know how I'd get through this life without you.

Big Boy Bike

Over Spring break, Nicholas mastered riding his bike without the training wheels! He was pretty excited, so we celebrated by taking him out and getting him a new bike - which he sorely needed anyway. His old bike was a present for his 5th birthday, and he's now 7 and a half, and he's about a foot taller, if not more so. He really was getting too big for that bike. So anyway - Here are some pictures of Nick - on the old bike when he took off the training wheels, and of the new bike, complete with snazzy new safety helmet! As an aside - Look at how short his pants are! I desperately need summer to get here so I can put him in shorts! I cannot afford to buy him pants again, at the rate he grows! He's only 7 and he's already outgrown the 8s, by a couple of inches! Oy.

One of the Scariest days of My Life

Two days ago, we got the boys up and started getting them ready for school when we found bruises all over EJ. There was one on his cheek, one on his chin, three on his belly and chest, 3 or 4 on his back, a few on his bum, and too many to count all over his legs. They were all uniform in appearance, and appeared out of nowhere. Robert and I panicked. We called and got him an appointment at noon. Neither of us would say what we were thinking, but we were thinking the same thing: Leukemia. We know bruising is one of the first signs, and we are always on the lookout for signs in Gabe. Leukemia strikes kids with DS at a rate 20 times greater than the typical population, so we are mindful of what to look for and if we saw symptoms in Gabe, we'd be prepared to deal with it. But not Elijah. We were completely caught off guard to see those bruises on our little tough guy.

I took him in, and the pediatrician was concerned as well, though she suspected another culprit, a blood disorder called ITP, which is not very common. She sent him immediately for blood tests and told us we'd have an answer by the end of the day. I took him to the lab and held him while they took his blood. He was such a trooper! He whimpered a little, but no screaming or crying. He really is a tough little guy. Then we went home and waited. Robert had come home to pick up the other two from school, but he was too nervous to go back, so he stayed home and we passed the time researching things on the internet (bad idea), playing with the kids, and I personally consumed about two dozen chocolate chip cookies (worse idea). (I am so not going to weigh in at my WW meeting this week.) It was the longest afternoon I can remember. The pediatrician finally called around 4:30. The good news is it is not leukemia, it is not ITP, and it is not anemia. Thank you God! The minor bad news is that we have no answers. The doctor wants us to keep an eye on him, and if the bruises appear again, or he has any other symptoms, to bring him back in. For now, we'll chalk it up to a freak incident and be grateful for his health. In retrospect, I have to say . . . it's just like him to give us this kind of stress. You can see it in his smile, he's a trouble maker! I'm tellin' ya, this kid is going to give me more grief over the years, heaven help me when he hits the teens . . . of course, I'll just be thankful I have him around to complain about.

NCAA CHAMPIONSHIPS!!

Anyone who knows anything about me will tell you, I am a true blue-and-gold blooded Bruin. My Bruins are playing in the Final Four again (no surprise there) and if all goes as it should they'll be crowned the victors come Monday night. What is especially exciting about this Final Four (besides having all #1 seeds) is that Kansas is also in the Final Four. Most of my husband's family is from Kansas and my father-in-law is a huge fan, so the possibility of a Kansas-UCLA matchup in the championship game is very exciting. So, in honor of my father-in-law, Bob, I thought I'd post some pictures of my baby Bruins sending the Jayhawks some support . . . for today only, of course.