The great thing about the Pity Party

If you read my last post, I had kind of a crappy day on Friday.  I got over it, and we are all in a better place today, and it actually started to get better not long after I wrote that post.  I got to spend the evening with some of my favorite moms, who let me know, it wasn't a table for one.  Sometimes it may feel that way, but I was reminded that I am never ever alone.  It's reassuring to find out there is nothing wrong with me for wanting to cry sometimes, and that there is nothing wrong with me for admitting that this journey is not always sunshine, rainbows and unicorns, and that others read my vents and are grateful to know they too, are not alone.


More importantly though, I reminded that I am so lucky and grateful to be travelling this road.  If it weren't for the fact that my children have special needs, I wouldn't have crossed paths, and developed deep friendships with, some of the most wonderful, kind, loving and inspiring people.  I simply cannot imagine my life without them.  They bring such a depth of joy, and love to this life.  So yeah, sometime it sucks, big time.  But the upside is that most of the time, I am surrounded and supported by so much love.  Not just for me, but for my children.  That my boys are loved and cherished by my family and me unconditionally is a given.  That they can be cherished and valued by others who truly see them is such a great gift. 


Tonight I get to hang out with those same moms, only tonight we get to celebrate our amazing kids, and plan for them, and it will be a happy occasion.  And in just a couple of weeks, we are going to sit in a theater, and share tears of pride as our very special kids get on a stage and shine a light that tells the world how special they truly are.  No one will be happier or prouder of their kids than we will be  that weekend. And that joy is only intensified by our recent moments of  "this sucks."  It is precisely because it is sometimes so very hard, because we can share that difficulty, that the intensity of joy during the moment of accomplishment are so much deeper. 


One of my favorite movies is Parenthood, and one of my favorite scenes is when the Grandmother explains why she prefers the roller coaster to the carousel. "Up, down, up, down.  Oh, what a ride! I always wanted to go again.  You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited and so thrilled all together!  Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round.  Nothing.  I like the roller coaster.  You get more out of it."


I love the roller coaster too.  Always have been a roller coaster kind of girl!  Maybe there was a reason for that.  "Pity Party" days just come with the ride, and my fellow roller coaster enthusiasts get that.  I now they, like me, will gladly take the down days because the thrills and unadulterated JOY that come with it are completely worth the bad days.  The best thing about the roller coaster is that it is more fun with friends, and I have been blessed with so many wonderful people with whom to share the ride.  Today, we are flying high, but when the next drop comes, we will be ready, and we won't be riding alone.  

Pity Party, Table for One

Got the notification for Elijah's IEP meeting.  I noticed, among the usual attendees, the speech therapist was added.  Elijah originally qualified for SpEd because of speech, so it's not a shock to see her there, but he had not needed speech services this year.  He had continued in SpEd because other learning issues had presented themselves.  It seems now that speech is once again an issue.  No big deal really.  His speech is clear enough that anyone can understand him, but her name on the notice compelled me to have a quick conversation with his teacher after school today.  That conversation only solidified something I've known for awhile, yet suddenly is more than I want to handle at the moment.  Elijah isn't just a bit behind.  His challenges aren't going to right themselves with just a bit more time. Something in his brain isn't wired the way a typical learner's brain is wired, and we can't just "re-wire' him.


I KNOW this is small potatoes.  I KNOW how lucky I am that he is healthy, and active and I KNOW how blessed we are. I AM so grateful for him, and I DON'T want to change anything about him, or his brothers. Well, ok, I admit it would be nice if his sound system had a setting other than loud and "omigosh, the neighbors are going to think I'm abusing him" - but other than that, I don't want to change anything about any of my kids.  I just wish that one of them didn't have to look forward to a path filled with challenges.  I wish just one of my kids could have a typical learning experience.  I wish things didn't have to be so much harder for them.


I know I need to get over myself, quit whining and put on my big girl panties and all that.  Yada yada yada. I will.  Later today, with a nice bottle of wine and my fellow Special Needs Moms. But for now, I just don't have the energy or the inclination to find the silver lining, or bask in the joy of life lessons, and pretend that life is always all rainbows and unicorns.  Sometimes, being the mom of three kids with special needs just plain sucks.  Today is one of those days.  Tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow I get to spend the day with 100 other parents walking my same journey and I will find strength in our shared challenges. But for today, I just need to vent.  And have a glass of wine.

To All My Valentines

On this Valentines Day I want to send out a huge "I LOVE YOU AND I AM SO THANKFUL FOR YOU!"  I am sending this to my Hunny, of course, who loves me and encourages me everyday, and to our beautiful Wild Things, who constantly steal my heart in new and surprising ways.  That these four people are my Valentines goes without saying.  Today, I want to shout out to all of my other Valentines:  To every friend who has ever lent me a shoulder upon which I've cried, or shared a bottle of wine along with a whine,  every friend who has laughed with me, and taken adventures with me, who have been mad at me and forgiven me,   I LOVE YOU!  I know for some of us, we may not talk every day, and miles may prevent our regular companionship, but I know that when life throws me a curve ball, if I called at 3am and said  "I need you" I know you would be there.  And I hope you know I will always do the same.  Valentine's Day is a day to remind the ones you love, that they are the ones you love. I am so blessed to have a long list of Valentines, and I hope you all know how special you are to me. I LOVE YOU, MY VALENTINES!