The great thing about the Pity Party

If you read my last post, I had kind of a crappy day on Friday.  I got over it, and we are all in a better place today, and it actually started to get better not long after I wrote that post.  I got to spend the evening with some of my favorite moms, who let me know, it wasn't a table for one.  Sometimes it may feel that way, but I was reminded that I am never ever alone.  It's reassuring to find out there is nothing wrong with me for wanting to cry sometimes, and that there is nothing wrong with me for admitting that this journey is not always sunshine, rainbows and unicorns, and that others read my vents and are grateful to know they too, are not alone.


More importantly though, I reminded that I am so lucky and grateful to be travelling this road.  If it weren't for the fact that my children have special needs, I wouldn't have crossed paths, and developed deep friendships with, some of the most wonderful, kind, loving and inspiring people.  I simply cannot imagine my life without them.  They bring such a depth of joy, and love to this life.  So yeah, sometime it sucks, big time.  But the upside is that most of the time, I am surrounded and supported by so much love.  Not just for me, but for my children.  That my boys are loved and cherished by my family and me unconditionally is a given.  That they can be cherished and valued by others who truly see them is such a great gift. 


Tonight I get to hang out with those same moms, only tonight we get to celebrate our amazing kids, and plan for them, and it will be a happy occasion.  And in just a couple of weeks, we are going to sit in a theater, and share tears of pride as our very special kids get on a stage and shine a light that tells the world how special they truly are.  No one will be happier or prouder of their kids than we will be  that weekend. And that joy is only intensified by our recent moments of  "this sucks."  It is precisely because it is sometimes so very hard, because we can share that difficulty, that the intensity of joy during the moment of accomplishment are so much deeper. 


One of my favorite movies is Parenthood, and one of my favorite scenes is when the Grandmother explains why she prefers the roller coaster to the carousel. "Up, down, up, down.  Oh, what a ride! I always wanted to go again.  You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited and so thrilled all together!  Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round.  Nothing.  I like the roller coaster.  You get more out of it."


I love the roller coaster too.  Always have been a roller coaster kind of girl!  Maybe there was a reason for that.  "Pity Party" days just come with the ride, and my fellow roller coaster enthusiasts get that.  I now they, like me, will gladly take the down days because the thrills and unadulterated JOY that come with it are completely worth the bad days.  The best thing about the roller coaster is that it is more fun with friends, and I have been blessed with so many wonderful people with whom to share the ride.  Today, we are flying high, but when the next drop comes, we will be ready, and we won't be riding alone.  

Pity Party, Table for One

Got the notification for Elijah's IEP meeting.  I noticed, among the usual attendees, the speech therapist was added.  Elijah originally qualified for SpEd because of speech, so it's not a shock to see her there, but he had not needed speech services this year.  He had continued in SpEd because other learning issues had presented themselves.  It seems now that speech is once again an issue.  No big deal really.  His speech is clear enough that anyone can understand him, but her name on the notice compelled me to have a quick conversation with his teacher after school today.  That conversation only solidified something I've known for awhile, yet suddenly is more than I want to handle at the moment.  Elijah isn't just a bit behind.  His challenges aren't going to right themselves with just a bit more time. Something in his brain isn't wired the way a typical learner's brain is wired, and we can't just "re-wire' him.


I KNOW this is small potatoes.  I KNOW how lucky I am that he is healthy, and active and I KNOW how blessed we are. I AM so grateful for him, and I DON'T want to change anything about him, or his brothers. Well, ok, I admit it would be nice if his sound system had a setting other than loud and "omigosh, the neighbors are going to think I'm abusing him" - but other than that, I don't want to change anything about any of my kids.  I just wish that one of them didn't have to look forward to a path filled with challenges.  I wish just one of my kids could have a typical learning experience.  I wish things didn't have to be so much harder for them.


I know I need to get over myself, quit whining and put on my big girl panties and all that.  Yada yada yada. I will.  Later today, with a nice bottle of wine and my fellow Special Needs Moms. But for now, I just don't have the energy or the inclination to find the silver lining, or bask in the joy of life lessons, and pretend that life is always all rainbows and unicorns.  Sometimes, being the mom of three kids with special needs just plain sucks.  Today is one of those days.  Tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow I get to spend the day with 100 other parents walking my same journey and I will find strength in our shared challenges. But for today, I just need to vent.  And have a glass of wine.

To All My Valentines

On this Valentines Day I want to send out a huge "I LOVE YOU AND I AM SO THANKFUL FOR YOU!"  I am sending this to my Hunny, of course, who loves me and encourages me everyday, and to our beautiful Wild Things, who constantly steal my heart in new and surprising ways.  That these four people are my Valentines goes without saying.  Today, I want to shout out to all of my other Valentines:  To every friend who has ever lent me a shoulder upon which I've cried, or shared a bottle of wine along with a whine,  every friend who has laughed with me, and taken adventures with me, who have been mad at me and forgiven me,   I LOVE YOU!  I know for some of us, we may not talk every day, and miles may prevent our regular companionship, but I know that when life throws me a curve ball, if I called at 3am and said  "I need you" I know you would be there.  And I hope you know I will always do the same.  Valentine's Day is a day to remind the ones you love, that they are the ones you love. I am so blessed to have a long list of Valentines, and I hope you all know how special you are to me. I LOVE YOU, MY VALENTINES!

Hey Ferb! I Know What We're Gonna Do Today!

I promised to come back with pics from the Phineas and Ferb Party, so here I am.  I think it turned out rather well, for a theme that was incredibly hard to find party supplies for.  I went to our local bakery, our local cake maker's supply store, Party City, Michael' and no one had any Phineas and Ferb themed supplies.  I finally found the plates/napkins/table covers at Affordable Treasures, which is why I'm going there first from now on.  I paired orange & blue streamers (Phineas) and purple & yellow (Ferb) and bought a bazillion ballons in the same colors for decorations.  But I was still left without a plan for a cake.  I was going to attempt to make a Perry the Platypus cake myself, but the day before, my friend Charlie offered to help.  Charlie is an amazing cake artist.  So the night before I baked a sheet cake, then the morning of the party, Charlie transformed it into a teal platypus.

Pretty cool, eh?  I planned three activities for the kids, based on the show.  The first was "The Shrink-inator" in honor of Dr. Doofenschmirtz, the bumbling evil scientist who is the nemesis of Agent P, AKA Perry the Platypus.  I bought sheets of Shrinky Dink plastic, traced multiples of the main characters and cut them out in circle shapes.  Then I left out permanent ink markers and let the kids color them and then we shrunk them in the oven.

 I made sure to use a hole punch before I baked them, so the kids can make neckalces out of them, or use them as ornaments.  The next game was "Where's Perry?" a question asked at the beginning of every show by Phineas.  I printed out a couple different pictures of Perry the Platypus as a secret agent, cut them out, laminated them and put them on tongue depressor sticks.  Then I taped a prize on the back of each.  We "hid" them all over the back yard, some more hidden than others.  They got to keep the Perry puppets and the prize and put them in their bag.

 

The last game was the most fun, at least from the perspective of a person viewing the chaos.  That last game was "You're Busted!" in honor of Candace, the big sister who is always trying to bust her brothers. I inserted different small sticker sheets into balloons before inflating them, and I had these balloons kept aside until it was time for the game.  I cleaned out the playroom of any decorative balloons, then dumped the game balloons all over the floor.  The object was to pop the balloons by sitting on them.  The key to the fun was underinflating the balloons.  So the kids mostly bounced on the balloons, as they didn't pop right away, and some needed the extra weight of an adult foot.

Lastly, here is a picture of the birthday boy, opening presents and wearing his Phineas hat.  He also got a Ferb hat, which is just as awesome.  Both hats were made by my girlfriend Jen, who happens to be married to Charlie, the cake artist.  Yeah, Mr. and Mrs. Martha Stewart.  Only nicer.  =)

 

If you are looking for unique and fun hats, she has started a business and you can find her on Facebook.  Her page is called Pineapples N' Coconuts.  She is also an amazing professional photographer, if anyone in the area is looking for one.  You can find her page on Facebook as well, Jen Webster Photography.  Check out the newborn photos.  If I weren't so old, I'd have another baby just so I can have her do the baby pictures.

So another birthday party under my belt. On to Valentine's Day! 

Heartbroken

Today is Elijah's birthday, and he is turning 6!  I am so happy for my little boy who is growing up so fast.  He is such a sweet little man.  We had a little celebration for him at school, then I came home, where Gabriel and I baked a cake that is now in the oven.  Presents are wrapped and we are going to have a great day.

But I have been fighting tears all morning.  Actually got to cry on Hunny's shoulder a bit, but apparently not enough, because tears are flowing again as I write this.  Why, one may ask, would a mom be sad on the occasion of her son's birthday?  Well, yesterday at his birthday party, (an event for which I'll post pics later!), I was confronted with a reality I have always known was coming, and was nonetheless utterly unprepared for.  While confirming an upcoming playdate, one of Elijah's friends rejected his brother.  He very clearly expressed his desire that Gabe not be included.  He didn't do it maliciously, he wasn't trying to be mean, and if Gabe had heard, he wouldn't have realized it.  But I did.  And it hurts.  Enough that I'm crying the day after.

One of the hardest parts of choosing to homeschool, and sticking with it, is knowing that he doesn't get the daily bonding and friendship-building that comes with traditional school.  Yeah, we have him involved in other activities so he gets socialization.  But it's not the same as going to school everyday and seeing the same friends everyday.  I guess I was secretly hoping that as Elijah started school, and his classmates were exposed to Gabriel, that, somehow, they would become Gabriel's friends, too. Maybe they will.  But the sting of that first real rejection really stings.  And I'm left questioning the wisdom of my choices.  Is the academic advantages of homeschooling worth the cost of relationships?  I'm not so sure today.  I look into his beautiful face and wonder "What is the right thing to do?"

He just finished his writing assignment, and crawled onto my lap and is cuddling me as I type.  God I love this boy!  I guess he is telling me it's ok. Really, how can I look into this face and not know everything is going to be ok:

  So, I'll leave this here and go take the cake out of the oven and celebrate my youngest, and save the tears for the next time. 

And to those who would say I'm whining about my choices, all I can say "eff you."  Sometimes having kids with special needs is extremely hard, and sometimes it hurts deeply.  It's okay for me to say so.  If you don't get that, then the problem is with you.

Happy 2012. Here Are My Resolutions. More or Less.

This year I resolve to:
 Read more, watch less. Play more, worry less. Be more silly, less serious. Spend more time cuddling and less time online (no offense to my Facebook friends). Experiment more, fear less. Cry more happy tears, fewer sad ones. Have more patience and less anger. Paint more, scrapbook more, create more. Critique less (myself in particular). Write more, stress less.  Hug and kiss more, yell less. Move more, sit less.  Give more, take less.  Love more.  

Can We Get An Extension?

School starts again in 20 days.  Less than 3 weeks.  It feels like we just got out of school and they have to go back again already.  I'm not ready to send them back.  Nicholas had such an awful year emotionally last year, and at the start of the summer, he was still tense and having problems dealing with . . . every little thing.  But now that we have had a few weeks to relax and be together, he is my little boy again.  He is laughing, and happy.  He is playing legos WITH both of his brothers instead of hiding his legos from them and playing alone.  He is playing with his Thomas trains again, with his little brother, and he wanted to go see Thomas when he came for Day Out With Thomas.  He wanted to see the Winne the Pooh movie, and watch Thomas the Tank Engine stories.  And he seems so comfortable and content with himself.  A summer of being able to be himself, and enjoy doing what he loves, and he feels good again.

 I'm not ready to let go of that.  I am loving this time with my boys, and I don't want to see it end.  I am anxious about the start of the new school year, with Nick and EJ in different schools, and what Nick's new school and class will bring.  Last week, I had a meeting with my homeschool consultant to talk about Gabe and set his new goals for the year, and I met another mom in our group who is homeschooling her son who is 14.  We started talking, and as she was telling me about her son, she could have been talking about Nick.  Turned out her son has Asperger's too, and has had all the same struggles.  So now I'm wondering if  I shouldn't consider doing it for Nicholas, too.  Honestly,  I don't think I am up to the task, and am not really thinking seriously about it.  But if Nick doesn't start having social success, and make friends, if I start to lose the happy boy I just got back and start to see the insecure, sad boy from last year, I might change my mind.  I know I need to give his new school and teacher a chance, and I do have high hopes for his new placement.  I'm just not quite ready to start yet.

 I just want more summer time to just BE.  To have stress-free, commitment-free, stay-up-late, sleep-in-a-tent, do-whatever-we-want-time during the summer with my little boys while they are all still little boys.  Can we just get an extension?

Trying Something New

I had grand plans for this summer.  One road trip to spend time with friends in the Pacific Northwest, and then "vacation at home" for the rest of the summer, exploring and enjoying the endless number of places here in the Bay Area that we never seem to have time for:  Exploratorium, Monterey Aquarium, Giants baseball,  Santa Cruz, the Tech, Lawrence Hall of Science, hiking and biking all of our beautiful county parks.  It was going to be the best summer ever.  Until next year.

But I am sidelined by a knee injury, for which the best treatment is time off.  I am supposed to keep weight off my knee so that it can properly heal itself. Great.  Well, staying completely off one's leg for any amount of time is, as we all know, a practical impossibility for anyone with kids.  Then there are MY kids, one of whom was very likely the culprit behind said injury.  "Nuff said.

So, I had to re-write the summer plans.  I am going to enlist help so we can at least do some of the things I had planned, with help, but we are going to spend a fair number of days hanging at home, so I needed to come up with a game plan that did not include watching movies and playing video games.  Well, last month I went to a scrapbooking retreat, which is open to all hobbies and crafts, and I was fortunate enough to sit across from a lovely woman named September, who was an artist.  She creates these beautiful mixed media collages, and I thought "I want to do that!"  So, off to Michael's I hobbled, and bought some art canvasses, some artists paints, dug out a bunch of my scrabooking papers and embellishments and sat down with the boys to engage in some art!  The boys do seem to enjoy it, but they don't want to spend nearly the same amount of time creating their art as I do.  I am really having fun with this, and I have made five collages!  Poor kids may never get to leave the house now, because I'm loving this!  Anyway, here are four of my first five.  What do you think?

Yes.  Those are real Lego pieces I used for Elijah and Nick.  The denim I used is a funny story actually.  Another post worth, I think!

Test Drive

I'm playing with my blog design. It needed a new look, but I can't really justify the expense of a custom design, so I'm trying out this free blog background from thecutestblogontheblock.com.  What do you think? Tell me honestly.

The Four Phases of Mother's Day

I hope all my dear mother friends had exactly the kind of day they wanted.  If you wanted gifts, I hope you got what you hoped for. If you just wanted a day to do something special with your children, I hope your day went as planned.  If you still are so fortunate, as I am, to have your mother,  I hope you were able to connect with her in some fashion.

In the post Mother's Day conversations I've had, I've felt somewhat guilty for my personal need to spend Mother's Day NOT being mom, thinking there must be something faulty with me personally.  I didn't always view Mother's Day this way.  I used to cherish having a special day to just BE with my adorable children, enjoying them and celebrating each other.  But they grew. And I realize now, that there are different phases we go through in terms of what Mother's Day means and how we celebrate.

The first phase is the fairy tale phase.  You have a new baby, maybe a toddler or two, they are small, adorable, still take naps and you are still reveling in the magic of motherhood.  It's still new and wonderful and all of the possibilities life has to offer lay open before you.  Mother's Day is a day you want to celebrate how lucky you are to have these beautiful blessings and to show them off and say "Yes, they are MINE and I love them so!" It was a good phase.  I do miss it.

Phase two - that would be my current place in time.  The bloom is off the rose. The kids are not babies or toddlers, they are kids.  Noisy, demanding, fighting with their siblings and telling me how unfair I am.  While I still am so thankful they are mine, and I love them so much it hurts, I need a break from them every so often.  Right now, so does my bum knee. They want to be with me all.the.time.  I am grateful that they do want to be with me, but for Mother's Day I want the day off.  When the morning's usual "Mooooooooom, my brother has wronged me in some way" whining began in earnest, I said "It's my day off, go tell your dad."

Phase three is coming soon, unfortunately, and I do hope it is a brief phase.  That's the phase where they want nothing to do with mom most of the time and the mere existence of a day to celebrate mothers barely registers in their consciousness.  I think purpose of phase three is so that phase four, by comparison, is something to be cherished.

Phase four is the bittersweet phase.  At least I think it will be bittersweet.  All grown, the kids appreciate you (especially if they have kids of their own!) and do make an effort, of their own accord, to let you know on Mother's Day.  But you won't necessarily get to BE with them.  Maybe they will live far away.  Maybe one of them will be in the military.  Or maybe they have kids of their own and Mother's Day is  now to celebrate the mother of their children.  I'll wish I could be with them and miss the days when I had them all to myself but if I do a halfway decent job with them now, I will hopefully still get a phone call.

So, what DID I do on Mother's Day?  I celebrated with my mother.  Oh, but first I must tell you about my breakfast.  The night before as Nick was headed off to bed, I jokingly said "I look forward to my Mother's Day breakfast!" and I got the deer-in-the-headlights look in response.  I reminded him the next morning was Mother's day, and he said "You do know I'm not allowed to use the stove or oven  don't you?" Classic Nick.  So the morning of Mother's day, I did indeed wake to a dutifully prepared breakfast.  I found a plate, in the center of which was a triple-decker toast-jelly stack surrounded by a banana, an apple, grapes and strawberries. In front of the plate was a chocolate chip cookie, with a bite taken out of it, and next to the plate was a glass of milk with the telltale cookie crumbs floating on top. I guess waiting for me to wake up was more than his tummy could bear.  Next to it all was a sign:"To Mom, From Nicholas.  P.S. the cookie and milk are to wash it down."

Man I love that kid. I almost felt bad for leaving them after that.

For my part I took my mother out.  We got makeovers, then went and had our portraits done, so now I have a current picture of me with my mom, something I haven't had since I was, well, MUCH younger.  After we got our makeovers, I told my mom how beautiful she was, and asked her if she liked her makeup.  She said "Yeah, but now you can see my wrinkle" as she pointed to her left eye.  And being the ever supportive daughter that I am, I giggled.  Wrinkle, singular?  "Mom" I said, as lovingly as possible, "I hate to break it to you, but you're 64.  Wrinkles come with the territory.  But if it makes you feel any better I have them too.  See?  We match!"

So we two wrinkly old moms went and had pictures done.  What do you think?