My President and My Country

Today, I join many in being grateful for our President, and that our country had the forethought to give him another four years.  I know many of the other side of the political spectrum do not share this gratitude, but I am hopeful that, with time, they will be able to see that they, too, have much to be thankful for.  His re-election means so many things.  The biggest thing is that nobody in this country is going to have their healthcare taken away from them.  This is so important.  No one should be denied access to healthcare.  No one.  And now we are on the path to making sure no one ever is.  I am also so grateful that the President wasn't the only winner last night.  The other big winner?  LOVE.  Love won.  Four states voted and declared unequivocally that LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE.  Like healthcare, no one should ever be told they cannot love who they love, or that they cannot dedicate their lives to living as one with the one they love, or that they don't deserve to have a family.  And now, we are on the path to being a nation where no one will be denied these very basic human rights.  Yesterday was a very good day for our nation, even if there are those who cannot or will not see it.  It was a good day for the sick, the poor, and everyone who loves.  I believe wholeheartedly that Jesus is smiling. And I am grateful to witness it and be a part of it.

My Dad

Today I want to share my gratitude for my Dad.  My dad is the kind of guy who will give all he has for others in need, even if it is to his detriment.  He has opened his home and taken in more people in his life than I can recount.  Some for a few days, some for months, some for more than a year.  His home isn't big, but there is always room for anyone in need.  His generous nature goes beyond that - he has always found  a way to provide support to people who need it, be it with his money, or his home, his time, or his hands.  He is always there to help, to support, to provide, to rescue.  There have been times when I did not agree with his choices to help people I felt would or were taking advantage of him, but those are the examples from which I have learned the most.  He (and of course, my Mom) have taught me through their example, that it is not our place to judge whether someone is worthy of our help or support.  If we are going to truly live a life  modeled after Christ, then our help must  come without reservation, and without judgement.  It is not our place to decide who is worthy of a hand up and who is not.  When my parents see someone in need, no matter the circumstance leading to that need, they provide.  End of story.  Thank you for that example Dad (and Mom).  I love you so much and only hope I can live up to your legacy.

My Mom

Today - and everyday - I am so immensely grateful for my mom.  I really don't think I could get through this journey called motherhood without her support and guidance.  She is kind and generous and loving to a fault, and she is the strongest woman I know.  I never really understood how strong she is until I finally became a mom myself.  Now that I have three kids, like she did, I am more in awe of her than ever.  The biggest fear of every mother is something happening to their children.  My mom lived that nightmare, and through it all, never lost herself or her ability to care for my brother and me.  I was eight when my youngest brother, Gabriel, died at the age of 17 months.  I know she cried all the time, but the memories of her doing so are vague.  The stronger memories for me, are the ones of her always being there for me, to comfort my fears, dry my tears and answers my questions, of which there were many.

When I contemplate what it must be like to lose a child, I can't fathom it.  All I can think is that it would leave me so broken, I couldn't possibly keep going.  How do those moms do it?  How did mine?  I don't know.  All I know is that she survived, and carried my brother and me with her, and I can never express how grateful I am for her strength.

She has carried me with her strength over and over again; when we got the diagnosis for our Gabriel, when she gave us her blessing to name him Gabriel, when he had to have open heart surgery, when he was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance from Yosemite, when Nicholas was diagnosed . . .over and over and over again, when I needed someone to hold me up and assure me we would make it through, she has been there.

Thank you Mom.  I love you and am so grateful for you.  Thank you God for giving me such an amazing mom.  I pray you will let me keep her for many more years to come.

 

Elijah James - My Monkey

Of all my boys, he is the most "boy."  He is always in motion, always loud, always has something smudged on his face.  He is the wildest of my Wild Things.  He earned the nickname "monkey" early on, when he showed a propensity for climbing up on anything and everything.  His hair is always a mess, but I don't want to cut it off and lose those beautiful curls. Plus, his hair matches his wild personality.  He is full of energy, but also full of affection and love. He is kind and caring, and like his brothers, loves to hug and cuddle and kiss those he loves.  He is the one who will age me the fastest, but he will be the one who takes care of me when I need him.  I know that because he tells me all the time "Mommy, I want to take care of you."

One of the things I love watching is the way he follows and plays with Nick.  He absolutely worships his big brother, and always wants to be doing exactly what Nick is doing.  Sometimes Nick finds it bothersome, but mostly he loves being looked up to, and I am so glad that they get along so wonderfully despite their age difference.

Despite his learning challenges, he loves school, and is always wanting to learn more, and create things. During Halloween this year, when we got boo'd,  he immediately set to work making a bunch of things for his friend down the street so we could boo him. He drew pictures, and made a secret agent weapon, and he made a bow and arrow out of pink duct tape, a rubber band and a paperclip.  Toothpicks were the arrows.   I hope he never loses that drive to learn and create.

He really did complete our family.  He is the perfect baby brother, my beautiful wild child, my Elijah James. Love you baby boy! To the end of the universe!

Thank you God, for all of my beautiful amazing Wild Things!

Gabriel, My Peanut, and Game-Changer

Oh where do I begin?  Gabriel George, my beautiful, silly, stubborn, wise little man.  The one who took us suddenly off our well planned life path and plopped us down in a whole new world.  One can never imagine what life will be like once children arrive, but it is even less imaginable when your child arrives with so many challenges.  We start out in what feels like darkness, only to have the most brilliant light illuminate the way.  And that light shows us colors we would not have seen otherwise, and the journey is filled with the depth of joy we never knew was possible.

Gabriel is that light, and that joy. He helps me appreciate the little things, and to discern the important things from the not-so-important things. In the most simple, yet profound ways, he brings truth to my life.  Those who know me personally know that sometimes I get frustrated with my house.  It's an average sized house, but with five people, thousands of comic books and what seems like a billion legos, I often feel like I have no space to breathe, and lament that my house is just too small for us.  The other night was one of those nights when I was frustrated with the clutter and lack of space and I went to bed thinking about how to create more space.  In the morning, I was awakened by kisses from Gabriel, who had come in hours earlier to cuddle and sleep, and the very first thing he said to me was this:  "Mommy, your house so big."  How is it that he even thought to say that?  I don't know, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.  We are so blessed with home in which to live and be together.  And the clutter simply does not matter.

And that is what Gabriel does.  He cuts through all the nonsense and trivialities of life, and shows us what is real and what matters.  He is my teacher, my life coach.  He keeps me centered and pulls me back when I get off track. I don't know what my life would have been like had it gone down the path I had planned for, but I am sure I would not be as happy, or as grateful. I love this boy more than any words can ever convey. Thank you Gabriel, for leading me through this life.  Thank you God, for giving me Gabriel as my guide.

Nicholas, My Pickle-ous

I am so thankful for my Pickle, Nicholas.  I can't believe he is already twelve years old!  Where did all those years go? I love that, at this pre-teen phase, when so many kids are no longer wanting to hold a parent's hand or express affection, that my sweet boy is still full of hugs and kisses.  He still holds my hand as we walk, or when I drive, and he hugs and kisses all of us constantly.

I especially love the way he engages with his brothers.  I was afraid that the five year gap between him and Elijah would mean limited commonalities.  But Nick loves to play with them.  He wrestles with them and plays Legos with them.  When asked, he reads them stories, and he does it with flair, leaving the Gabe and EJ  cracking up, no matter what the story.

I love his creative mind.  He is constantly creating stories, some he turns into comic books, others he just tells you as he makes it up on the fly.  He has such an active mind and I look forward to seeing where that takes him as he grows into adulthood.

One of the things I really admire about him is that he has remained a social boy who wants to engage people .  Socially, he struggles, and has had to deal with rejection and bullying, but instead of letting that turn him into an introvert, he continues to put himself out there.  He talks to complete strangers when we are on an elevator, or crowds we are with when standing in line.  He will engage in play with kids he has just met in a park or a store or anywhere.  I love that about him.

I love that he is learning how to conquer his fears.  Two years ago, he was terrified to get on a stage.  He now has a speaking role in a play.  He is afraid of heights, but he just went on Splash Mountain for the first time and loved it. Still working up to the roller coaster, but he will get there.

Nicholas is such a gift, to me, and to his brothers.  I am so grateful I got to be his mom.  Love you Pickle, to the end of the universe!

My Hunny

There are 61 days left in the year.  My goal for the rest of the year is to share my blessings each day.  I know a lot of people are doing the gratitude posts each day of November on Facebook, but I wanted to go into more depth than would be appropriate for a Facebook post, so I am blogging instead.

I am starting with my ROCK.  My amazing and wonderful Robert.  I really don't know how I got so lucky.  He is such a stellar husband and father.  I am so thankful for him in so many ways.  He works very hard at his job.  He is crazy smart, and is very well respected in his job.  He goes to work and often works long hours to make sure we are cared for, and allows me to continue to stay home and educate Peanut.  He sacrifices so much to do that.  He misses the opportunities I have to go out and do fun thins with the Wild Things.  It was his idea to take Pickle to Disneyland for his 12th birthday, and I thought he should be the one to take him, but he was unable to be away from work, so I got to go instead.  He really needs, and deserves to be able to do those things too.

He "gets" me.  We are different in certain ways, yet we fit together perfectly. While he prefers to be with just our family, I need time to be social with friends.  He understands the importance of time spent with my friends and he encourages it.

When we are together, he is affectionate in big ways and small. Hugs, kisses, cuddles are part of my everyday life with him. He sets a perfect example for our boys of how to treat a woman; with kindness and respect and love.

He helps with the house, doing laundry and cleaning. He reminds me, when I worry or stress over my inability to keep up with the house, that I am not staying home to clean, but staying home to teach.  I have a job in educating our son, and the housework is secondary to that, so he is forgiving and supportive when he comes home and the house is worse than when he left it.

I simply adore watching him engage with the boys.  In addition to the requisite rough housing and other shenanigans that come with having boys, he also cuddles and kisses them daily. He encourages them when they are frustrated and pushes them when they don't try their best.  His faith in them and in what they can achieve inspires me.  It is said the divorce rate among couples who have children with special needs is pretty high.  We have three kids with special needs and we are rock solid.  That is because of him.

Thank you God, for this man I love with my heart and soul.  Please watch over and protect him always.

I Can't Believe We Are Still Having This Conversation

A couple of weeks ago, Ann Coulter used the R-word to describe half the country.  As far Ms. Coulter goes, this is hardly shocking.  We live in a country where hate sells and she is the number one peddler of the commodity.  She should apologize, of course, to the millions in the special needs community, who are harmed by that word daily, but she won't.  Apologies are for grownups  and decent human beings. Ann is neither, so I'm not going to waste my time asking.

No, I'm more interested in the thousands of regular people out there chatting about this (or anything else) on Facebook and in comments on blogs like this one.  What shocks me is how easy it is for people to continue to use this word, and to DEFEND using it, knowing fully the pain it causes others.  I have heard every lazy excuse there is, none of which has any validity.  I have had people quote the dictionary to me, as if I, a college educated woman,  professional educator by trade and special needs advocate by way of my children, somehow did not know that the technical definition of the word is "slow."  Yes, we know what the definition is, thankyouverymuch.  I have had people screech "First Amendment!" as if what we have been asking is not simple consideration, and instead a full constitutional amendment banning the use of the word.   Yes, you have a fully protected right to use whatever words you may choose.  We are not trying to outlaw anything.  We are merely asking that you consider, for the briefest moment, the effect of the words you choose. No need to hide behind the Bill of Rights.  The most offensive defense I've seen, however, is the one that claims if the intent of the person using the word was "innocent", then the person who is hurt by the word is the one at fault for allowing their feelings to give the word power.

So, let's get real.  Here is a fact, and the only fact that really matters.  The word "retard" and every variation in use (including retarded, libtard, conservatard . . .) is hurtful.  It is a cruel word that causes pain to human beings.  Period.  Nothing else matters.  If you use that word, whether to be self-deprecating or otherwise, you have and will HURT people.  That's it.  Your intimate knowledge of Mr. Webster's dictionary does not absolve you.  Your constitutional rights do not make it less cruel.  Yes, you have the absolute right to continue to use that word.  You DO NOT, however, have the right to tell others that their feelings are invalid.  You DO NOT have the right to dictate how others feel or how they react.  So, if you feel your right to use cruel language is more important than the feelings of those around you, go ahead and use it.   But do the rest of us a favor and own it.  Truly, OWN. IT.  Don't cower behind the Constitution or a dictionary.  Speak the truth.  Tell the world "I use this word because the feelings of others do not matter to me.  I will use this word because I don't care about those it hurts."  You'll still be an ass, but at least you'll be an honest one, and that's one better than Ann Coulter.

So Let's Talk about "Awareness"

So October is upon us, with its cooler days and more colorful neighborhoods, pumpkin scented candles and apples baking in the oven, leaf piles and pumpkin patches.  It also means endless reminders to raise our awareness.  October is breast cancer awareness month, and domestic violence awareness month, and pregnancy loss & infant loss awareness month, and Down syndrome awareness month.  It is "awareness" month for so many things, I feel like the term awareness is losing its meaning.  What is it we are hoping to accomplish with all this awareness anyway?  Is there anyone out there who isn't aware of what breast cancer is, or how many woman are affected?  One of my best friends from high school has been fighting that battle just this year, and she is not the first, nor will she be the last friend I know to fight it.  We are so inundated with pink everywhere, I find it hard to believe there is anyone who does not know how they are supposed to check for it.  Haven't we moved beyond "awareness"?  Similarly, I know far too many people who have suffered pregnancy loss.  It's so pervasive, I can name more people who have suffered a loss than who haven't. Is awareness the problem?  I don't think so.  Of course, the most personal to me is Down Syndrome  awareness, and again I can't help but think awareness isn't the problem.  Everyone is aware of Down syndrome.  So what are we trying to do by reminding people?  "It's Down syndrome awareness month. Just thought you should know." How does that improve life for my son?

It's time to move beyond awareness.  I don't want people to be aware of my son. Awareness doesn't change anything.  People are aware, yet they still assume, avoid,  pity him, and by extension, me.  I do not want people to make assumptions about, or feel sorry for my son. I want people to know my son.  I want people to respect my son. I want people to accept my son.   They can't do that unless they experience my son.  How can they do that?  When you go to the park with your children, and they play with other kids, encourage them to play with my son too.  When my son engages your children, don't move them away.  Do you strike up conversations with other moms?  Don't avoid the mom whose kid has Down syndrome.  Let your kids ask questions.  We love to talk about our kids, too.  Most importantly, don't think that the extra chromosome makes my son so different.  It doesn't.  In all the ways that matter, our kids are the same.  My son can sing and dance, and read books.  He can be sweet and loving and kind, but he can also be angry and stubborn too.  He plays baseball and performs on stage.  His is a life full of wondrous possibility, just like all kids.  If you are so inclined, find out when and where the nearest Buddy Walk is and show up!  Move beyond awareness.  Educate, accept, include, celebrate!  Eventually we can move past all these "awareness" labels and October can become "Down Syndrome Celebration Month" or "Breast Cancer Victory Month."  At least, that's my goal.

I Hate Making These Kinds of Decisions

Next Wednesday, both Elijah and Nick have their "graduation" ceremonies.  Nick is graduating from 5th grade, EJ from Kindergarten. At the exact same time.  I realize that some people consider a kindergarten graduation to be a bit over the top, but EJ really struggled this year and made some huge gains.  I also know his teacher very well, and I know the amount of effort she has put into making it a very special day for both kids and parents.  Fifth grade is more of a milestone, and the ceremony will be more formal, less sentimental, I assume.  Like Elijah, Nicholas also overcame much this year.  It was his first and only year at this school, so there aren't the years-long friendship bonds other kids have.  He has grown so much and pushed himself in ways he never has before.  This was a huge year for him, and I want to celebrate him.


Unfortunately,  I can't be at both, so Robert and I will tag team, and video. I am struggling with who gets to go to which event, so I thought I would include the boys in the discussion.  If I got lucky, one would have a preference for Mom and the other a preference for Dad, and I would therefore be absolved of the mom-guilt. Silly mom.  When is it ever that easy? We explained the situation and asked for their thoughts.  Elijah immediately squealed "I want Mommy!" and Nick responded to that with "Heeeeyyyyyyyy!  I want Mom!"   Here is where I have to give Elijah credit.  That kids KNOWS his emotional manipulation and he wields it mercilessly. Without so much as a pause, he immediately began to sing to me a song I can only assume is on the program for next week's ceremony. "I think you're wonderful! As wonderful can be.  I think you're wonderful!"   Wait.  It gets better. He paused, looked at me with that "how-can-you-possibly-say-no-to-me" smile and said "Why aren't you crying?  You're supposed to cry." Nick's response?  "Ok, FINE!  You can have mom."  He didn't say it graciously.  Robert was right there for the whole conversation, by the way.  Poor Daddy.  I tried working the whole "you don't want to hurt Daddy's feelings, do you?" angle.  Apparently, they have no problem with that.  Must be a guy thing.  Maybe if Robert let them see him cry . . .


So I guess it's settled.  Kind of.  I still feel the mom-guilt. So now the question is "can I trust Robert to video it?  And who can I ask to take pictures for me since the only good camera will be with me?  Now taking volunteers.