I Can't Believe We Are Still Having This Conversation

A couple of weeks ago, Ann Coulter used the R-word to describe half the country.  As far Ms. Coulter goes, this is hardly shocking.  We live in a country where hate sells and she is the number one peddler of the commodity.  She should apologize, of course, to the millions in the special needs community, who are harmed by that word daily, but she won't.  Apologies are for grownups  and decent human beings. Ann is neither, so I'm not going to waste my time asking.

No, I'm more interested in the thousands of regular people out there chatting about this (or anything else) on Facebook and in comments on blogs like this one.  What shocks me is how easy it is for people to continue to use this word, and to DEFEND using it, knowing fully the pain it causes others.  I have heard every lazy excuse there is, none of which has any validity.  I have had people quote the dictionary to me, as if I, a college educated woman,  professional educator by trade and special needs advocate by way of my children, somehow did not know that the technical definition of the word is "slow."  Yes, we know what the definition is, thankyouverymuch.  I have had people screech "First Amendment!" as if what we have been asking is not simple consideration, and instead a full constitutional amendment banning the use of the word.   Yes, you have a fully protected right to use whatever words you may choose.  We are not trying to outlaw anything.  We are merely asking that you consider, for the briefest moment, the effect of the words you choose. No need to hide behind the Bill of Rights.  The most offensive defense I've seen, however, is the one that claims if the intent of the person using the word was "innocent", then the person who is hurt by the word is the one at fault for allowing their feelings to give the word power.

So, let's get real.  Here is a fact, and the only fact that really matters.  The word "retard" and every variation in use (including retarded, libtard, conservatard . . .) is hurtful.  It is a cruel word that causes pain to human beings.  Period.  Nothing else matters.  If you use that word, whether to be self-deprecating or otherwise, you have and will HURT people.  That's it.  Your intimate knowledge of Mr. Webster's dictionary does not absolve you.  Your constitutional rights do not make it less cruel.  Yes, you have the absolute right to continue to use that word.  You DO NOT, however, have the right to tell others that their feelings are invalid.  You DO NOT have the right to dictate how others feel or how they react.  So, if you feel your right to use cruel language is more important than the feelings of those around you, go ahead and use it.   But do the rest of us a favor and own it.  Truly, OWN. IT.  Don't cower behind the Constitution or a dictionary.  Speak the truth.  Tell the world "I use this word because the feelings of others do not matter to me.  I will use this word because I don't care about those it hurts."  You'll still be an ass, but at least you'll be an honest one, and that's one better than Ann Coulter.

So Let's Talk about "Awareness"

So October is upon us, with its cooler days and more colorful neighborhoods, pumpkin scented candles and apples baking in the oven, leaf piles and pumpkin patches.  It also means endless reminders to raise our awareness.  October is breast cancer awareness month, and domestic violence awareness month, and pregnancy loss & infant loss awareness month, and Down syndrome awareness month.  It is "awareness" month for so many things, I feel like the term awareness is losing its meaning.  What is it we are hoping to accomplish with all this awareness anyway?  Is there anyone out there who isn't aware of what breast cancer is, or how many woman are affected?  One of my best friends from high school has been fighting that battle just this year, and she is not the first, nor will she be the last friend I know to fight it.  We are so inundated with pink everywhere, I find it hard to believe there is anyone who does not know how they are supposed to check for it.  Haven't we moved beyond "awareness"?  Similarly, I know far too many people who have suffered pregnancy loss.  It's so pervasive, I can name more people who have suffered a loss than who haven't. Is awareness the problem?  I don't think so.  Of course, the most personal to me is Down Syndrome  awareness, and again I can't help but think awareness isn't the problem.  Everyone is aware of Down syndrome.  So what are we trying to do by reminding people?  "It's Down syndrome awareness month. Just thought you should know." How does that improve life for my son?

It's time to move beyond awareness.  I don't want people to be aware of my son. Awareness doesn't change anything.  People are aware, yet they still assume, avoid,  pity him, and by extension, me.  I do not want people to make assumptions about, or feel sorry for my son. I want people to know my son.  I want people to respect my son. I want people to accept my son.   They can't do that unless they experience my son.  How can they do that?  When you go to the park with your children, and they play with other kids, encourage them to play with my son too.  When my son engages your children, don't move them away.  Do you strike up conversations with other moms?  Don't avoid the mom whose kid has Down syndrome.  Let your kids ask questions.  We love to talk about our kids, too.  Most importantly, don't think that the extra chromosome makes my son so different.  It doesn't.  In all the ways that matter, our kids are the same.  My son can sing and dance, and read books.  He can be sweet and loving and kind, but he can also be angry and stubborn too.  He plays baseball and performs on stage.  His is a life full of wondrous possibility, just like all kids.  If you are so inclined, find out when and where the nearest Buddy Walk is and show up!  Move beyond awareness.  Educate, accept, include, celebrate!  Eventually we can move past all these "awareness" labels and October can become "Down Syndrome Celebration Month" or "Breast Cancer Victory Month."  At least, that's my goal.